February 6, 2010
Matthew 14 talks about when Peter attempted to walk on the water after Jesus called out to him to do so. I have written about this passage in my entries before. Last night as I drifted off to sleep, I prayed for God to be near to me. One brief image flashed in my mind and I awoke several times throughout the night to the same image. When this happens, you can expect I will write about it.
This brief image was of me on a dock out on the water, just getting ready to step into a small aluminum boat. I was holding someone's hand to steady myself as I attempted to step in. I could not see their face, but somehow in this image, I am certain that it was Jesus' hand that I was holding onto.
Mike and I were watching TV the other night and he commented on something we saw. A woman stepped into a boat and he said how there is really no graceful way to get in. The water, no matter how still and calm, still causes the boat to rock back and forth as your weight enters. My dad and I have gone fishing many times where we have been in a small boat like this. It always amazes me once we are in and begin to either row out or turn on the small propeller to get us to the other side of the lake that such a small and thin boat will hold us up. The water is literally within arm's reach and your waist is level with the water. Yet, we don't get wet or have to struggle to stay up, the boat holds us. Last summer, Mike and I went camping at Atwood Lake with his family. His grandpa rented a pontoon boat for us to relax on and fish from. But Mike and I also took my dad's aluminum boat with us and set it up next to the small dock. I remember unsteadily stepping into it, holding onto the dock, trying not to make the boat tip too much one way or the other for fear of falling in.
This image that I got of holding onto Jesus' hand as I unsteadily stepped into this boat on the water caused me to realize where I am at in my faith. I like to think I am making so much progress, learning to trust in Him. But then I realize that I still have so many insecurities and I struggle every day. This battle I have been in for the last 4 1/2 years has brought out the strongest part of me, yet also the weakest. I used to think that I was almost to the point where I might look out and see Jesus walking towards me on the water, just as Peter did. I would wait for Him to call out to me, and I wondered if I would have the faith to step out at all. But the image that I got last night made me realize I am not that far. I am merely just stepping to the boat.. unsteady and clumsy. This was almost a bit discouraging to me until I remembered that Jesus was holding my hand. I am not far enough along yet for Him to let go and call me out onto the water. He has a tight grip on me, as only a Father can have, giving me the assurance that I can in fact step out into that boat. We will see where He takes me from here.
Today, I heard a song for the first time called In Your Hands by Bebo Norman. I did not search it out, I just stumbled upon it. I know its from God as it goes right along with what I have been thinking about today. Please listen to it.
On a side note, today is the end of the 14 day cycle of my one oral chemotherapy. My dosage was increased at my last visit to CTCA in January and this was my first complete cycle of the increased dose. I am happy to report I made it through with absolutely no side effects! I have this next week off and then I will start another cycle next Sunday.