Psalm 3:3-6 But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.
When I go to bed at night, I find that I usually talk to God until I fall asleep. Daily, I have to ask Him to be the center of what I do because I know that otherwise I am spending my time here in vain. Jeff had talked about wanting to tell as many people his testimony as possible and I know that if he were here, he would be doing just that. I am thankful, however, that through this website and through the people he touched while he was here that his testimony is still being shared. I used to hear people say that after losing someone, it gets easier with time. I am not sure what becomes easier. It seems like the more time that passes, I realize what we are missing with him. He did all that he could to get better here, and that is the only comfort that I have. I know that God knew what he was going through, and yet Jeff was exactly where he needed to be. That is what we are called to do... to trust God and maintain the faith that we have in Him. A few weeks ago, my brother Brian told me a story over the phone as my mom and I were driving home from CTCA, and it has been on my mind to share it. There was a man who lived in a city that was expecting a storm. There were warnings for potential flooding and the city was being evacuated. The man, who was a believer in God, prayed and asked God to with hold this disaster from coming. Full of faith, the man did not evacuate. The rain came and poured and poured. The flood waters increased and began to overtake his home. The man prayed again, Lord save me from this disaster! A boat came by attempting to rescue anyone who had stayed behind. The man refused to go, saying "I have faith that God will save me from this!" The rain waters continued to rise. The man was forced out onto his roof to escape the flood. Again, he prayed, Lord, please save me from this disaster! A helicopter came by and tried to rescue the man who was stranded on his roof. The man refused, saying that he had prayed and had faith that God would save him. The rain continued and the flood waters eventually overtook the man and he drowned in it. When he got to Heaven, he asked God why He didn't save him from the flood. God told him that He had tried. He sent a boat to take him to safety and when that did not work, He sent the helicopter to lift him to safety. But the man had refused.
When I was re diagnosed in September of 2007, I continued to pray for God to save me from this and to heal me. Losing my brother the year prior had been extremely hard and I did not want my family to go through that again. My local doctor did not give me much hope in getting better. I know that God is able to do more than I could ever imagine, and healing me from cancer was no exception. I prayed for that healing day after day after day. And I know that He touched me as people prayed for me. I felt it, and I know that might sound crazy to some. Before that day, I had never experienced anything like that. And at first I struggled with whether or not continuing to see doctors would be showing a lack of faith. I have always said that my faith has not been in the doctors or the medicine. However, one thing that I would tell someone facing what I faced is this: You can have ultimate faith in God and still see doctors. I have always prayed for discernment so that the decisions I made were that of God and not my own. I believe that God placed people in my path to aid in rescuing me. He led me to the hospital I needed to be at, and He worked through the doctors and medicine. His footsteps were already there... all I needed to do was walk in them.
I have completed my 9th round of chemotherapy. My mom and I went last weekend, and arrived home on Tuesday night. The forecasts were calling for so much snow starting in Chicago and moving east, all within the time we would be trying to make it back home. I know that a lot of people were praying for safety and it was truly amazing that God seemed to clear a path all the way home. I think we made it home easier than we ever had in the past! I am hoping now that March is here, we will start seeing less snow and more sunshine! I will be leaving again next Sunday and receiving my 10th round on Monday and Tuesday. It has been hard going so close together. My body is getting more and more tired. I am thankful that God has protected me and kept me strong enough to continue. If there is ever any way that I can help someone who needs it, please do not hesitate to ask. I would love to be able to pray for you the way that so many have prayed for me.
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