April 8, 2010
"Words"
I have been wanting to post another entry for some time now. But, for lack of better phrasing, I feel like I am out of "words". People see me or my family members and ask how I am doing. The easy answer, for myself and for the ones asking, is to say "Good." And I am. The long answer would be that in spite of feeling "good" (as generic of a word that is) I am also tired and not feeling quite like myself. I hesitate to say that sometimes because I fear people will think I mean health wise, which in this case, that is not at all what I mean. I just feel drained.
I have talked for years about writing a book. Recently, I have thought about it even more so. If there are things in my life that I have talked about wanting to do "someday" I am really trying to make the effort to go for them. Tomorrow will come whether I am ready or not, and it will also pass whether I am ready or not. In the book situation, I just have no idea where to start. I am so tired of the "cancer" and "chemo" words that I wish I could remove them from the dictionary. The doctors, the hospitals, the IVs, the surgeries, scans, the travel, the prescriptions, the bills.... I wish I would never have to hear the words again. I would never wish this disease on anyone. I cannot figure out how this disease picks and chooses... how some people will never encounter this disease in a lifetime. Or how there are those who will encounter it and battle it once and see victory. Where those words can at least be removed from the forefront of their minds. And then there are those whose lives seemed to be forever entangled with those words. The last thing I want to do is write a book filled with them.
I will turn 30 this September. Three days after that, I will "celebrate" my 5 year anniversary of my diagnosis. I know the Bible says that we are not to look back and think the old days were better. But I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like had I not gone down the road filled with those "words". June of 2005 is when I found that tiny little "lump" that would change my life forever. It would seem that that 4 letter word would attempt to steal my youth, my job, my motherhood. I say attempt because I still, and always will, have hope in my Savior for a chance. I have undoubtedly gained much from this experience, but I would be lying to say that I did not feel like I have lost much as well. This is a hard road to walk. I am never alone, yet feel isolated at times. I have had to deal with this "patient's" lifestyle with "patience" that I do not always have.
We have just come through the Easter season. It represents a season of love and hope like no other. When He died, Jesus was just a year older than what my husband is now. While He was God, He was here in human flesh. He was so young when He died. And He did it for love and hope. The Savior that had been prophesized about and finally arrived, and did in fact save the world from its sin. And I know Him! The Savior of the world is my best friend! My Father, even! When He died, Jesus spoke the words "It is Finished". Sin was paid for, and when Jesus arose three days later, death was beaten. We now have hope. That selfless act applies directly to my situation. God is bigger than this disease.
Knowing I wanted to write something tonight, but feeling lacking in words, I opened Jeff's entries. I clicked on his April 6, 2005 entry. I read it and it honestly made me just cry. He spoke about his children and their prayers for him. I am still very close to his kids, and I can just close my eyes and think of how little they were when their daddy got sick. I do not have children of my own, so my nieces and nephews are the closest thing I have to my own kids. They alone are worth fighting to overcome this disease. I am including the link to his entry in case you want to read it. (April 6, 2005)
Health wise I am okay. I have had difficulties with my stomach. Sometimes I just feel achy as well. I was able to run a mile yesterday and that felt good to do.
On a side note, I got an anonymous letter from someone the other day. To that person, this is my only way of thanking you. Your letter was so encouraging and God used you to meet a need in my life. I pray that since I cannot hug you, that God does for me. (His are better anyhow).
I like music and songs... I include links to them a lot. Here is another for you to enjoy hopefully as much as I do. "I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful"
Click here to listen to Something Beautiful perfomed by NeedToBreathe
In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful