June 30, 2008

Yeah! I have some hair!

Mike and I have been looking for a new church for a while now and praying that God would lead us to the one He has in mind for us. Mike suggested that we try one about a half an hour from our house. As we got up and got ready Sunday morning, I asked Mike if he thought I should still wear my hat. I have always felt comfortable enough to go around my immediate family with no hat, and just recently I have been feeling comfortable enough to go without around extended family. But I have not really been around people I do not know without something covering my head. I started to think about this the other day. I have been saying that I really did it more for other people because I did not want others to feel uncomfortable and look at me like I was sick, especially when I feel good. But the other day, I came to the realization that I did not do anything wrong to be in this situation, and I should not be hot and uncomfortable, but I should show my head as a sign of victory. So when Mike told me that I should not wear my hat to church, I decided to go without. As we pulled into the church parking lot, I told Mike I was nervous to go in, and asked if he would mind if we just sat in the back for now. He was perfectly fine with that. I kept praying that God would help me to be comfortable, and that Mike and I would both know whether this was where He wanted us to be. 

As soon as we entered the sanctuary, a girl was sitting just inside the door. She looked at me and said "I really like your hair!" I smiled and thanked her, and then thanked God for easing that tension right off the bat. We found two seats in the very back and we were the only two in the whole row. A woman approached us and she introduced herself. She then sat down and asked if there was anything she could pray with us about, health in particular. She may have guessed what my situation was, but I was so amazed at how God knew that I needed to have that. She prayed just how I pray, for healing and that Satan would have no power in my body. During the worship time, a man got up on stage and prayed for healing over cancer. Wow. I was so thankful for Mike's suggestion to visit that church, and that we were willing to try it.

I have talked off and on about the "Our Journey of Hope" seminar that I attended back in the  Spring of 2007. It is sponsored by CTCA, and is a huge reason why I decided to follow God's direction and chose this as where I would receive treatment. When I went for my last chemo treatment the end of April 2008, my mom bought me a gift and it was sitting on my bed in the hotel room. It was an Angel of Hope Willow Tree figurine. I have collected these for years, and so this particular one was very meaningful for me. She wrote on the card inside, "I will always be thankful for this journey of hope" along with Jeremiah 29:11. Just recently, people ask me if I am in remission. I have struggled with how to answer this question appropriately. I am not quite sure what the correct term is medically for me now. It was explained to me that cancer in bone shows as little holes in the bone, not really as a tumor. As long as there is cancer present inside the bone, the bone cannot heal. I know that my scans in January showed healing has begun on my sternum, which would mean that the cancer was not there. This weekend, God really impressed a few things on me. All along, I have not relied on all of the medical words, but on God's Word. I have not relied on the doctors' diagnosis, but on God's Promises. So why I am I struggling to really proclaim what God has done for me? I know without a doubt that I literally felt the touch of God in my body. I can remember when it started, how it felt, what I was thinking, and that the pain was immediately gone from my body. I believed whole heartedly that I was healed of cancer that day. When I went for scans at CTCA just a couple of weeks after that, I was disappointed when the scans still showed what the doctors at Akron had seen. It just dawned on me that the cancer could have been gone, and the bone was still showing those little holes because it had not had time to heal yet. By January, the bone was starting to heal. God touched me. I was not surprised that He did, because I had prayed over and over and searched out every bit of scripture I could to throw at Satan. I expected to be touched. We are told as Christians that we are to call forth Heaven on earth, and that is what we did. That is an amazing testimony. I have an amazing testimony. I was willing to tell of what God did for me even before the doctors could show it. That is what faith is.

God wants to bless us. He wants to bless me... He wants to bless you. Somehow, I keep thinking if I can just do this or that, then I will be able to do something big for God. Do you know how many blessings we miss out on by thinking like that? Of course, God wants us to have a progressive partnership with Him, not wanting to stand still. But I think that sometimes we are so busy trying to get from point A to point B that we forget to use what we have right now. God wants to bless you today with what He has given you. We all have capabilities and spiritual gifts. If you think you do not have one, you need to ask God to reveal it to you. He will bless the fact that you want to know, and the sooner you start to use it, the sooner He will bless your life. Something else that was stated in church Sunday impacted me as well. It was said that our relationship with Christ is like a mathematical formula. We all know that A x B x C= D. But if any of those factors is a 0, then the end result to the equation will also be 0. We can pour so much of ourselves into one area, and forget about another part and that is in fact hurting the end result of what God can accomplish with us and through us.

In the center of the stage in church today was a banner that read " Let the Journey transform you." I talk about this journey I have been on for the last few years. It really has been a journey of hope in so many ways. But as I said, I have struggled with how to answer the questions that people have for me about my condition. Seeing that banner today made me realize that God gives us all of the tools we need along the way. He has touched me and made me believe in healing like never before. But that experience will not automatically change me. I have to let it. I felt God say to me " Let this journey transform you." I looked up the definition of "transform" and it said: "to change in condition, nature, or character." God really can make all things new... we just have to let Him. I will not let Satan take me back to how I felt before. I will let God use me today.

Lyrics to This is Home by Switchfoot

Iíve got my memories
Always inside of me
But I canít go back
Back to how it was

I believe now
Iíve come too far
No I canít go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place
Iíve never known

This is home
Now Iím finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
Iíve been searching
For a place of my own
Now Iíve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
Iíve seen the enemy
And I wonít go back
Back to how it was

And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
Itís not over yet
We are miracles
And weíre not alone
Yeah

This is home
Now Iím finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
Iíve been searching
For a place of my own
Now Iíve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
Iím gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
Iím gonna call it home
Home

This is home
Now Iím finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
Iíve been searching
For a place of my own
Now Iíve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

Iíve come too far
And I wonít go back
Yeah, this is home

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