Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
Be pleased to save me, LORD;
come quickly, LORD, to help me.
Last Thursday, July 16 was the start of the family church camp we attend in PA. My mom and I were able to take Olivia and Emily there and stay till Monday. We are planning on going back in the next day or so until Sunday the 26th. The camp is called Peniel Holiness Camp and the name comes from Genesis where Jacob wrestled with God. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." Camp has always been a place where I know I can meet God face to face.
Sometimes my situation seems never ending. I have had 30 chemotherapy treatments, not to mention many more IV infusions and radiation. My family has suffered tremendous loss. When I got married nearly 6 years ago, I never imagined that the "in sickness" vow would seem to outweigh the "in health". I am moving into a new phase in life where I would love to be a mother. My niece, Emily, is 2 1/2 now and Olivia is 6. As close as I am to them, they will still ask for their mother when she is not there. Even when I go away to places, there is just something about having my own mom there with me that makes it a safer place. I would love to be that for a child. It is a hard thing sometimes to wonder why God allowed my life to take this course.
During the church service Sunday night, I was reminded of something seemingly so simple but so profound to me. No matter what the situation, as God's children, we are right where He wants us to be. I was chosen on purpose for the task at hand. God did not give me cancer, yet He has allowed it to come into my life. He has chosen me to be the wife in my household. I have a responsibility to allow God to use me to accomplish His will in our lives. I was placed where I am for a specific purpose. My diagnosis was not meant to harm me, but God said He knew I could handle it because I would rely on Him. And if I can keep my eyes focused on Him, and allow Him to show Himself in my life, I am doing what He has called me to do. How is that for foiling Satan's plan on my life?
It breaks my heart that some will go their entire lives and not know Christ. There is such a difference in my life and the outlook I have with Christ leading the way. I am not sure where you are in your life. But what if, just what if God placed you where you are knowing that you are the perfect one to handle the job at hand. Your job, your school, you family, your situation, your diagnosis, whatever it may be. I encourage you to surrender your journey to Jesus Christ. Tell Him how much you need Him and want Him to forgive you from sin in your life. I have said before that I am not sure how much time we have left here before Christ returns for His church. Either you believe the Bible or you don't. If you believe in it, then you would have to believe that Jesus will return. Christians will be taken out of this earth. Don't miss your chance to know Him. Don't miss your chance to allow Him to bring peace to your heart. Everyone wants to be loved and there is no other love like His.
On my last trip to CTCA, my niece, Kaylee (Jeff's daughter) was able to come out with my mom and I. She is 13 now, and I haven't really had the opportunity to spend that much one on one time with her. We got there a little earlier than usual so we could swim at the hotel and just enjoy our time together. I am so thankful that we got to do that. We watched a movie during my chemo and we really had a fun time.
My tumor markers came back more elevated this time. My CEA has been the one focused on for awhile now. As I always say, normal is between a 0 and a 3 and mine is now a 220. Everything else is fine except for that. I am starting to be able to feel almost a slight heaviness in my left leg near my hip joint. It's not painful, just noticeable. My doctor, Dr.L, has decided to scan me again August 3. I was due for scans again in August anyhow. They are going to do a bone scan and CT again, and if they need a closer picture of my hip/leg, it will be ordered. If the results show that spot has increased in size at all, my chemo regimen will change. There are some fairly new drugs out there now that I can try. One up side to one of the new drugs is that it is an oral pill that will go with my oral chemo I am on now. I could go to just pills and not an IV in this case which would not be so bad. I may not have to travel every 3 weeks as I do now. Something to pray about. God has been so good to me this far. I trust Him completely and I know with His help, I am up for anything. Just because I can't see the finish line does not mean that it's not there.
There is a really good song out by Building 429 called Always. Click here to listen to it. It's one of those songs that speak right to the center of me and reminds me of the fact that God is always there even when it seems like He isn't. My hope is that you can somehow know how much He loves you.
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