August 28, 2008
8 "But if it were I, I would appeal
I would lay my cause before him.
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted.
He bestows rain on the earth;
he sends water upon the countryside.
The lowly he sets on high,
and those who mourn are lifted to safety.
He thwarts the plans of the crafty,
so that their hands achieve no success.
He catches the wise in their craftiness,
and the schemes of the wily are swept away.
Darkness comes upon them in the daytime;
at noon they grope as in the night.
He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.
So the poor have hope,
and injustice shuts its mouth.
On my way home from CTCA, I really felt the need to read through Job. I have read it before, but I know God continually speaks through His word. The book of Job is dedicated to display the suffering that Job endured. Today, I have not read through the entire book yet as I sit here and write, but I felt like I needed to pause and write about what I read so far. In the very first few verses of Chapter 1, Satan goes before God and when God asks where he had just come from, Satan replied " From roaming though the earth and going back and forth in it." To me, this just proves he is up to no good. Immediately, I got the vision of someone with too much time on his hands that is just searching out trouble. I really believe that Satan just roams around us and picks on anything he can. What is reassuring to me, though, is that God is still controlling the situation. Job loves God, and God knows that nothing Satan throws at him will make him turn his back on God. Through Job's suffering, he may feel like God is far from him, when in reality, God is watching Him closer than ever.
Mike and I returned home from CTCA very late last night (or early this morning, I guess is more accurate). We stayed a day longer than planned. I recently wrote about having the opportunity to get up and give my testimony at a healing service. As nervous as I was to get up and speak in front of people, I felt God saying I needed to do it. Although I write on this site, I felt the need to publicly say what God has done for me and to have others hear it from my mouth, and not just from my fingertips as I type. I felt great at that time. I was sore here and there, but I had also done a lot of yard work... using the rototiller and carrying heavy bags of mulch. (I am telling you, I have felt really good!). Of course those aches and pains cause some fleeting concerns as I am human. That pain went away, but a new one developed after I gave that testimony. I started to have pain at the original site in my breast tissue. This symptom was not one that was just in my head, as I could see it. I knew I had my doctors appointment in a couple weeks, and Mike and I were ready to leave for our vacation together. If you have read through all of my entries, you will recognize the recurring trouble seemingly surrounding trying to enjoy vacations! I knew this symptom had just started, so I thought maybe I had some kind of infection.
When I got to CTCA this past Monday, I made sure to say something right away. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was being looked at by all kinds of nurses and doctors . Because of the pain, I could not endure a mammogram to see what was causing all of this. I went for an ultrasound which showed the entire area was a solid mass, not an infection like they thought. The mass presented itself as the size of an apple, measuring 5 inches. An MRI was ordered to give a more definitive answer on what they were seeing. I kept thinking, no way could something 5 inches just appear in two weeks time! I was fine when I gave my testimony. If anyone doubted spiritual warfare before, how could they doubt it now??
I met with a wonderful surgeon and his team at CTCA yesterday. He showed me the results of the MRI concluded that I do, in fact, have a mass measuring about 5 inches in my breast tissue. It is not connected to my chest wall, so no muscle is involved. I also have a lymph node in my neck that feels like a marble, which I first noticed on Tuesday, as well as a few suspicious lymph nodes under my arm. I was told that the mass would need to be removed, and since this also is affecting the skin on the surface, I will need a mastectomy. They will send the mass to California, where they will attack it with several different combinations of chemotherapy to see what kills it. Then, the plan is to have me started on chemotherapy in about a month after surgery, once those results are in. I will also have to have some lymph nodes removed, the extent of which they will not know until surgery. Radiation to those lymph nodes in my neck is also possible.
What just happened?
My first thought was, how dare Satan try to take away from the testimony I just spoke about! I know what God did for me, and I know God encouraged me, even told me I had to share what He had done for me. How did all of this fit in? Later on, as Mike and I were driving around, I passed a sign in front of a church that said "NOTHING SURPRISES GOD". Simple, only three words. But that was all I needed.
I made the decision last night not to even give Satan the credit for trying to steal anything from me. He does not have the ability to take away from what God has given me. I will continue to talk about the healing in my body, as I felt it. I felt a huge weight on my shoulders when I received all of this new news. How would I, how would my family, how would anyone make sense of this? Once I realized that was not my responsibility to figure out, I felt that weight lifted. This is in God's hands, and trying to fit the pieces together myself would not be as beautiful of a creation as what God has planned. This will be used for His glory, He will make certain of that.
My surgery is scheduled for September 16 at CTCA. I will have to stay in the hospital for a few days, and then in my hotel for a few more days so they can monitor me before I come home. I just wrote about how I felt like God was doing a new thing in my life, and wanted me to enjoy this season. I still feel that way, this surgery may just be the way God says "It is finished!"
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