September 3, 2010
Psalm 104:33 " I will sing praise to the Lord all my life, I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."
For more than five years now, the million dollar question for me has been how to fully grasp onto healing from God. The Bible lays out a plan for salvation and we are to pray in faith for forgiveness of our sins and believe that He has in fact done just that. The gift of salvation is free for us, because the price was already paid by Jesus on the cross. But the Bible also talks about healing, how if any among us are sick, we should lay hands on them and pray in Jesus name for their healing. That ALL should be healed. There is verse after verse after verse. So why then do so many go without fully grasping onto that healing? Over the course of writing on this site for four years, I have written a lot on healing. I feel that just as salvation is something that is available because the price was already paid, not because we deserve it, the same is true for healing. We should be able to pray in faith for healing and believe that God has done it, just as He said He would. In the Bible, when Jesus healed, it was not always an instant event. There are many times that people went to Jesus for healing and He touched them, but also required that they take a step of faith and do what He requested of Him. That partnership and obedience is what ultimately brought the complete healing.
I do not go to CTCA out of lack of faith in God's ability to heal me. I do not receive chemotherapy treatments or radiation because of a lack of faith. I believe that I have felt God's healing hand but was also required to step out and hold up my end of the deal. But what I have struggled with over this course is, do I continue to ask for healing or do I praise God for the process and the healing He is working already or both? When Jesus made mud from dirt and His saliva and put it on the blind man's eyes, then asked the man to go wash in the lake, did the man continue to ask for healing as he walked and as he washed or did He praise God for the encounter and the touch of Jesus and the healing that was about to come to be, or did he do both?
Is there a right or wrong? Does God hear my repetitive prayers and shake His head saying, "I heard you the first time"? Sometimes I wonder "How long, Oh Lord?"
Sunday afternoon, my mom and I set out for my appointment at CTCA. On the way out, my hip/leg had been bothering me again. I felt strongly, however, that I would not mention it to my doctor at this point. As I said before, I was not set for scans and my chemo was not going to change. I did not want to give a voice to the enemy and give credit to his annoyances. We got to Zion around 10:30 pm and checked into our hotel. I went to sleep and the 5:30 am alarm came much too soon. I had early appointments! I checked in at the hospital and went up to have my port accessed and labs drawn. I was done at 7:10 am and my appointment with the doctor was scheduled for 8. At 8:30, they finally came to get me. They had started a new system that morning and I didn't get checked in correctly. They realized that I had been sitting in the waiting room the whole time. I ignored the pain in my hip and went into my doctor's office. The past few visits with him, he has checked the swelled area on my neck and felt the lymph nodes in order to measure them. I had an CT scan on this area a couple months ago and it was said that I had lymph nodes suspicious for metastatic disease. As he felt for the mass this time, he looked at me and said: " It's gone! What did you do with it?" I smiled and said I have been working on it a lot, meaning of course I have been praying that sucker out of me! It's always awesome to hear your doctor say something had disappeared with a bit of surprise. That's a fingerprint of God.
My tumor markers were late coming through the computer. My doctor said it didn't matter because the main thing he was recording was that the spot in my neck was no longer able to be felt.
He also told me that he did not want me to return until after the vacation Mike and I have planned at the end of this month. My birthday (my 30th!!) is September 11, my five year anniversary of my diagnosis is the 14th (I will officially be a 5 year SURVIVOR!), and our 7 year wedding anniversary is the 27th. Those are all things that I know the enemy was trying to stop me from getting to. So we are going to Florida to celebrate. I do not have to go back to CTCA until October. I will have scans and a brain MRI then. This will be my second September IN A ROW without doctors!! God is fulfilling that promise of better Septembers!
From there, my mom and I ate breakfast and went up for my chemo. They were not ready for me until about 11 or so. The regimen would be the same, pre meds, then 30 minutes of Zometa for my bones, 3 hours of Xempra, a neulasta shot to boost my white blood cells and a Lupron shot to keep those hormones at bay. I was able to sleep through all but the shots.
We made it home safely at about 11:30 pm Monday night.
Tuesday morning, while doing my devotions, I was asking the very questions I started this entry with. I was trying to be honest and tell God I wanted to know if I was doing this wrong. I know He has heard my pleas over and over to be well. Did He want me to keep asking or just praise Him for the process and the healing that was taking place?
About an hour later, a got a phone call from a friend a serious prayer warrior. She is someone that I know goes to God on my behalf and she hears from Him. She knew nothing of my earlier conversation with God, but told me she felt like God was clearly telling her that she needed to tell me that I was just to start praising God for healing! No coincidence there.... no, this was another fingerprint of God.
At this point I still had pain in my hip and leg. But I just started to cry as I realized that I would beat this thing. And as I praised God, that pain literally faded and faded. By that night, I had no more pain there anymore. That was Tuesday night and I have yet to feel that pain again.
I don't believe for a second that God is done with miracles. I will never relent. I am going to praise Him in anticipation of the day my doctor looks at my complete scans and says, "It's gone! What did you do with it?!" and I will undoubtedly tell others for years and years of how my Savior healed me, restored me, made me whole again. Please take this month of September with me and over flow Heaven with praise for me. So many have been so faithful and praying.... and I admit so many of my prayers have been through blankets of tears. This month, there will be praise and laughter and gratitude for the healing that I am receiving!
Healing Hand of God by Jeremy Camp (This song has been in my head all day!)