September 18, 2007
4. Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5. Let all men know your forbearance. The Lord is at hand. 6. Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, do; and the God of peace will be with you.
I went back and looked at the hand written journal I have kept over the years, specifically 2005. This website serves as a journal for me as well, giving me the ability to share what God has put on my heart on given days. Since the timing of everything is falling almost exactly two years apart, I decided to go back and read what my thoughts were like On September 18, 2005. I thought this might give some perspective. In it, I wrote about my family having went to church and hearing a message on Lamentations. In a nutshell, the message revolved around how life is hard, but God is good. I had been given a packet of information from my doctors that I was supposed to read, but I was struggling to read it because I felt like God wanted me to run to Him instead. Later that night, a friend told my mom to tell me to read Philippians 4:8. This confirmed to me that I need to lean on God's truth for my life.
The last year has been extremely hard on me with Jeff's passing. There are so many questions we could have dealing with healing. Jeff had so many people praying for him to get up and walk out of that hospital. Even before that, he had people believing with him for healing. What I have realized over the year is that God healed Jeff's spirit and that is what sustained him. Not that Jeff had even turned from God, but God's peace was in Jeff, just like He says in Philippians 4:9. One thing I have struggled with in dealing with this again is learning how to distinguish the difference between God's will for healing, and His will to sustain us. I have learned for one, that I am glad that it is God who is in control and not me because I would mess up continuously! Two, that there isn't a whole lot of difference in the two. We should pray for God's strength in defending ourselves against the enemy, that he would be defeated. Ultimately, Satan wants to steal our soul. If he can't have a part of heaven, he does not want us to either. If we can stand firm in God's strength, then Satan has been defeated.
I am being reminded even as I type about the wise and the foolish builders in Matthew 7.
24. "Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine, and acts upon them, may be compared to a wise man, who built his house upon the rock. 25. "And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and burst against that house; and [yet] it did not fall, for it had been founded upon the rock. 26. "And everyone who hears these words of Mine, and does not act upon them, will be like a foolish man, who built his house upon the sand. 27. "And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and burst against that house; and it fell, and great was its fall."
My foundation is built on solid ground. That is the only reason I am able to stand through this.
I want to share a story about what happened to me last Sunday. Mike, my mom and dad, and myself went to church with some of Mike's family. Some of his aunts and uncles and cousins go there and I really felt God wanting people to pray with me. So we went. As the service was ending, Mike's aunt came up to where we were sitting and draped a red scarf over my shoulders, symbolizing Jesus' blood over me. When the service ended, we decided to go down to the front to pray with our family. Mike's aunt asked me to tell everyone what was going on. I let them know that I was healed from this disease two years ago, and now the doctors were trying to tell me it has returned. Why would I put more faith in what the doctors were saying than in my Savior? Everyone immediately began praying for God's healing over cancer. People read and recited scriptures and prayed them with boldness. I held onto Mike's arm as we prayed. I had the greatest encounter with God that day and I want to try to explain it. As everyone prayed, I started to feel something in my left arm. It started mildly and progressed to be so powerful that I could not stand upright. My whole body felt it... almost like electricity but without pain... just the power of it. I am not even sure if it lasted a few seconds or minutes, but I know that afterwards, I did not have pain in my chest. I opened my eyes to see a greater crowd had formed, and people I did not even know were praying and declaring scriptures over my life. Some of these people were much younger than even myself and had no idea what my situation even was, yet every scripture pertained to me. I had not been able to give a full hug in almost 6 weeks because of the pain. It feels like broken ribs. I was able to hug my mom and dad and Mike harder than I ever have in my life!
I know without a doubt in my mind that it was God who touched me. I was not afraid, and therefore I know it was from Him. To try and describe what happened in full is impossible because I don't even understand it to the fullest. All I know is that it was the closest I have ever felt to my Savior. It has given me a much greater appreciation for His power. One touch is all it took to feel what I felt... all from the same hands that hold the planets in place.
I was also told that others were praying for me at church that morning, some right around 12:30, which is when I felt what I did.
Since Sunday, the pain I have in my chest and neck comes and goes in waves. The greatest peace I have is knowing that something happened. Whether God healed me all at once, or will little by little, or even just that He made it known that He heard us, I will continue to think on these things, because it is what is worthy to be thought of.
I went for the scan of my neck yesterday. My appointment was for 10:00. Before I went, I wrote Ephesians 6:10-20 on a piece of paper and put it into my pocket. I did not have to wait long at all before being called back. Again, finding a vein was the most difficult process, but they were able to do it in one stick. The man and woman who did the scan looked young. He asked my if I was worried sick about all of this and I answered him honestly, no. He told me that he only worked there part time and that he and his wife teach Bible classes in the community. I told him that I have a lot of faith that God will bring me though this. He said that is probably how I have made it through this far.
That brings me to today. I have to go for my pre surgery testing at 2:30, since my biopsy will involve me going under anesthesia this time. They just need to evaluate me to make sure I am healthy enough to go under. I don't expect it to take long. I had hopes that I would hear some results from my scan yesterday. I am not sure if that will happen or not, I will have to wait and see.
I kept that piece of paper with Ephesians 6:10-20 in the pocket of my pajamas last night, and I will continue to keep it on me as a reminder that I am clothed and prepared for battle with the greatest weapons I know....
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