September 19, 2007
When I was a little girl, my family took a few trips to amusement parks. I can remember when I got to be right in between the age when you could ride kiddy rides and the adult rides. Being the youngest, my brothers were all old enough to ride the big rides, and I wanted so much to be like them. I can remember one specific time, I was not allowed to go on the big rides and I was so frustrated! I knew I was big enough! My dad told me to see how I did on the kiddy ride, and then we would see from there. I got on the kiddy ride by myself. I sat in the seat, the bar pulled down across my lap, and I sat with my elbow resting on the bar and my chin in my hand. I refused to smile or act like I was enjoying it because I wanted to be granted permission from my dad to ride the big rides. My brothers all laughed at the sight of me going over the little hills in my roller coaster car and being miserable. I got off that ride, and my dad agreed to let me ride the big rides. I was so excited, but as soon as I sat down in the seat beside my dad, I think I realized what a big step up it was. I remember Brian and Tommy sitting in front of me. We started up the first major hill, and I asked my dad to just put his hand on my knee. Obviously, his hand would not catch me if I fell out, but I think for a little girl, I had the comfort in thinking my dad could do anything. Just his hand on my knee made me feel better... safe. For years after that, I would only ride with my dad. And I would make him put his hand on my knee every time. Even when I felt like I could get to the point where I could put my hands in the air as we rode, I would still make him keep one hand on my knee as my safety net.
I can relate this story to my current situation. I have been praying for God to use me how He wanted. I would do anything He asked, even if that meant stepping out of my comfort zone. The good thing about having a personal relationship with Jesus is that he knows the kind of person each of us are. How you handle situations may not be how I handle them, and what comforts me may not comfort you. I believe I felt His touch on Sunday. It occurred to me again today that He may have done that just so I know He is there. His hand is strong enough to keep me secure, and He will be able to catch me if I start to fall. This ride I am on is a big step up from what I am used to. Most days I still feel like that little girl with her Daddy's hand on her knee.
My surgeon's secretary called me just before 4:00 today and let me know the doctor wanted to know if I could come in on Thursday at 2:00 so he could talk to me. After I hung up the phone, I called her right back. I told her that the waiting has been so hard for me, I have not worked since Monday because I don't want to miss his call. I asked if there was any way he could just call me and talk to me today. She left him a message and called me back shortly after. She said he would rather wait to have me come in so he would not be rushed in talking to me. It's impossible for me to try to interpret what this all means. Part of me feels like God is teaching me, even now, to have patience in Him, and to lean not unto my own understanding. He's got his hand on me. That makes all the difference.