September 25, 2006

I sat down again in prayer tonight, asking God to help me to hear what He wanted to speak. It has only been in the past year that I sit down in God's word, and I can expect to hear from Him. He always speaks directly to what I am praying for, and what is on my heart. There is a freedom in it, like standing with your arms out in the breeze. There is a calm, and I hear Him whisper in it. These are the reasons I would never change the experience I had with cancer. It taught me to lean on Him, to cast all my cares on Him. He has never let me down. Sometimes I know He is there just to sit with me and hold me tight. 

My parents got me a devotional Bible a while back. I have never used the daily course it gives you to follow through before. I usually open it and God somehow leads me to what He wants me to hear at that moment. When I was first diagnosed, I felt a lot of comfort by reading Psalms. Tonight, I looked in the back of my Bible in the daily index to see what is listed to read on September 25. As I said, I don't normally do this, but I felt like God had something special for me to read tonight. The devotional gives you the verse for the day, and then leads you to two other scriptures. The verse for today is Habakkuk 3:17-18 "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." In the devotional, the writer states, " The prophet Habakkuk asks such questions of God... How can He ignore the plight of the faithful in Judah? But upon hearing God's reply, the prophet comes to peace on the issue. He is willing to wait on God's timing." 

Jeff has been awake a lot since last night. One of the nurses said today, " It was like 7:00 last night, he just woke up". He is making more improvements as the day goes on. I know some are reluctant to get too excited over small things, but I will give glory to God for anything that He is doing. One thing I have struggled with is, what do I have to do to prove I believe He can heal Jeff? I know I have faith, I expect a miracle. So why hasn't Jeff gotten up and walked out of there yet?? Tonight I realized that I need to have peace that God's timing is perfect. I decided to look into the other verses listed for today. The first is Psalm 27:13-14 " I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." 

My mom and I were just talking about this verse in Psalms. We mentioned how it feels like Jeff is living in the land of the dying, because that is all around him. In general, Hospice is there to be "symptom control" for patients, to make their last times here on earth comfortable. That was never our intention by Jeff being admitted there. He went there to get well, a transition between hospital and home. Yesterday I read the story of how Passover came to be. The Lord told Moses to put the blood of a lamb on their doorframe, and the plague on the firstborn sons would pass over that house, and the firstborn son would be spared. I joked with my mom that I knew it would be extreme to put lamb's blood on Jeff's door, some might think that was a bit crazy! But I did think that we needed to put those verses that we first claimed for Room 118 on his door. Psalm 118:17 I will not die but live, and I will proclaim what the Lord has done. Psalm: 118:8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." My mom said she felt a calm in his room last night different than the other nights.

The last verses the devotional lists are Hebrews 10:35 and Hebrews 11:1. Hebrews 10:35 " So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded." Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11 goes on to use the words "by faith" 25 times, giving examples of all of the stories we learned about from the time we were young, from Abraham to Moses to Noah.  Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."

You have no idea how excited I get when I know God has led me to what He wants me to hear. I don't search these verses out, I am only willing to hear when He speaks. Every time I think I am too tired to pray anymore, He seems to make it easier for me to trust Him by encouraging me that He is still in control, and wants me to have faith in Him.

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