October 29, 2008

(Emily and Amy!)

Mike and I drove out to Chicago last Monday for my follow up visit with my surgeon and also to see my oncologist. My appointment was for Tuesday afternoon, and I saw my surgeon and his assistant around 12:30. My incision has pretty much healed entirely, and I had my last couple of stitches removed. I then saw my oncologist so that I could hear what the plans would be as far as chemo goes. I got copies of all of my pathology reports from my surgery. A lymph node was taken from my neck measuring 1.5 cm, which contained tumor. The tumor in my breast tissue measured 6x5x4 cm. I also had two lymph nodes removed from my sternum area, the largest measuring 1 cm, along with 8 nodes under my arm. My blood work was taken earlier that day, and one protein they test for is called "CEA" (carcinoembryonic antigen). It is used as a tumor marker for certain cancers that secrete this protein. Normal range is anywhere between 1-4. When I had my blood work done in April of this year, my CEA level was a 1. In August, it had elevated to a 34. This was odd to me because this number was never this high, even when I first went out to CTCA last year. My CEA level this time, even after surgery, was up to a 95. Typically, this would be used to measure if there was tumor growing somewhere. My oncologist said that the tumors were negative this time for estrogen and progesterone, but that he thought this was still an evolution of the original cancer. It was still HER2 positive. I know this will not make sense to everyone, but this is just the medical info. He decided to start me on an IV chemo called Gemcitabine that will run over 3 hours every three weeks. I am also back on Herceptin, which is also IV that runs for 2 two hours every three weeks. So, my treatments will only be 5 hours total and I will make the trip to CTCA every three weeks instead of two. I am also on an oral chemo called Xeloda. I take these pills twice a day for two straight weeks, and then have one week off. Then start the cycle over again. This particular chemo can cause serious skin reactions, none of which I am showing any signs of at this point. I just finished a full week of this chemo. The IV meds I get have not made me sick; I have noticed that I am just much more tired than I was before. There is a chance that I will lose my hair again, but in the past, I have not lost my hair until about a month after my first treatment, so we will see. I was told that I could be on this chemo for quite awhile, as long as the side effects were tolerated.

That is the medical update. Initially, that CEA level threw me for a loop. Nothing is showing on scans, and I was just assured that everything was in fact removed from the breast tissue. So what is causing this level to rise? I have just really felt like God is telling me not to worry about it. I could not have made up the healing experience I had last September. There is no doubt in my mind that something miraculous happened. That being said, I believe my bones are being protected. This CEA level is not something that can make me doubt what I know happened. Not everyone may understand this, and I know that 3 years ago, I would have been a bit skeptical of hearing a story of healing like my own. But I believe that this is essentially what faith is.... being sure of things we hope for and certain of things unseen.

As I began my IV chemo last Wednesday at CTCA, they started out with a variety of anti nausea meds, along with benedryl to prevent allergic reactions. This in turn makes me very tired and I usually have to sleep it off. Just as I was about to fall asleep, I got this analogy in my head and I wrote down the word "shoes" on a paper so that when I woke up, I would not be too disoriented to remember what I was almost dreaming about.

I can remember when I was trying to learn to tie my own shoes. I have heard people say that they do not have memories of their childhood this early on, but God has blessed me with the ability to remember a lot of things. Prior to this, I was dependant on my parents to tie them for me before I could go out. They did not mind, of course, because I was so little, but eventually this would be my responsibility to learn how to do it. I know that I was not yet in kindergarten, and my mom was showing me how to tie on a cloth baby doll carrier that I had. It was yellow and green and the baby would go inside of it with it's head covered by the hood, then you could tie the hood so it would stay on. I remember sitting on the edge of my mom and dad's bed trying over and over. My mom walked out of the room, and I remember yelling to her with so much excitement when I finally did it by myself for the first time! Now I could move on to my shoes and I would be able to get them on all on my own... I felt so grown up!

God really used this to show me about my own faith. I see children and how their faith is unlike any other. It's like God just gives it to them as it seems to come so easily. Eventually, though, He tries to teach us little by little how mature in our faith. I could always get my shoes on by myself, but if I did not know how to tie them, they would surely fall right off. It's our responsibility to pay attention when He teaches us how to tie them, so that we will be able to take the steps that He is leading us to take. Sometimes I envision myself getting up in the morning, putting on my shoes and tying them tight. I can yell out with excitement to my Father that I am ready to go running with Him. I think of a movie that jumps quickly from scene to scene. In one scene He and I are running and laughing, the next second it's starting to rain but we are still running, then it jumps to a downpour and now He is holding my hand so we don't get separated. Then it goes to thunder and lightening and He is running in front of me... pulling me as I dodge lightening bolts... the next scene He is carrying me as He runs, shielding me and letting me rest as I am so tired. Then, I wake up in the next scene and the I am sleeping in the grass and the sun is shining, birds chirping... and He is still there beside me. 

Cancer just really seems to be a biological weapon that the enemy has devised. I will not let go of the healing that I experienced, no matter what the tests say. I've got my shoes double knotted!

I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers... well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Click here to go back to my updates