November 6, 2007
I have been having a hard time sleeping at night for quite awhile now. I have realized, though, that some of my best moments with God are at night. I have never been a morning person... my preference has always been to stay up late and sleep in later. My house is quiet at night, and there is nowhere else I should be other than right here. Nighttime is almost always when I do my devotions and then I usually write my entries right after.
When I was re diagnosed, I thought it would be neat for me to be able to publish my journal entries while I am going through the trials this time. I am realizing now how hard it really is sometimes to form my thoughts into words. I kept a hand written journal in 2005 when I went through all of this the first time. Most of it is just notes on things that happened on particular days, and lots of verses that I had read. I really focused on Psalm then. In the last year and a half, I have really been trying to understand God's power when it comes to healing. I have written many entries on what I have learned, and how I believe God has called me to pray. When Jeff was sick, I was called to pray the same way. As I have said before, I truly believed that Jeff would be healed on this earth. I thought for sure that he would miraculously get up out of that bed and walk, and we would have such an amazing testimony of how God healed him. I still believe the things I wrote about during the summer of 2006. I know I serve the Risen God who still has the same power to heal as He did in the Bible. For some reason, he healed my brother in the form of sustaining him until he got to go Home. I carried a lot of guilt from that over that summer. Why did God heal me and not Jeff? After September 30, 2006, my whole perception of life changed. I realized that my family was not exempt from losing someone they loved. But it also made me realize that I needed to live FOR God here so I can live WITH Him in Heaven.
My diagnosis of recurrence has not made me doubt what God did for me two years ago. He became something so real to me during that time... something more than the story I learned growing up. I had never done devotions on a regular daily basis before. I prayed, but did not always praise. My mind cannot comprehend how big He is. But I know what a big difference He has made in my life in the last few years. As I said, whether He heals me or sustains me, I know I am right where He has called me. I am following His lead. Everyday, He is still leading me to learn more about the healing He is capable of, and the power He has instilled in us. I am still believing for complete healing for myself. My prayers have not only been for myself, but for a miraculous healing of many. I can also tell you what a difference reading the Bible has done in my life. Jeff once said that it was his lifeline, and I now know what he meant. It is so easy to think of it as an old book that is so hard to understand. But I would encourage anyone to go out and find a version that is easy for you to understand. Mine is a woman's devotional Bible and I get so much more out of it than I ever thought I would.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
How amazing is it that He is able to MORE... immeasurably more than what I am asking! Just that thought alone makes me confident in the faith I have in Him.
On a side note, I saw Olivia yesterday. When I shaved my head last weekend, I called Jenn and asked her to explain it to Olivia. Olivia says she does not remember me when I had a bald head before. Jenn pulled up the pictures of me and Jeff on this site, and of Mike and I from 2005. She wasn't scared, didn't laugh... instead she said: "What if I get her and daddy mixed up?" When I saw her yesterday, I asked her if I looked funny. She grinned a little and shook her head yes, but said it was okay. She also asked when she could help me pick out a wig. I told her if I got one, I would definitely get her help. She then told me which Hannah Montana wigs were the best, and where I could get one! (ha ha...)
This is Olivia dressed as Hannah Montana for trick or treating. (According to her, she is wearing the best Hannah Montana wig you can get!)
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