November 6, 2009

In the middle of September, I had another dream that has continued to come to mind over the last few weeks. My whole life, I have had dreams about Jesus' return to this earth. I fully believe in what the Bible talks about concerning this. There will be a day, and I believe in my own heart it will be coming soon, when Jesus appears in the clouds, only to be seen by those who have fully followed Him here during this lifetime. We will be gone in an instant, and life on earth will not be the same for those left behind. I recently finished the "Left Behind" series, which is a fictional version of these true events. I strongly suggest these books to anyone who has never read them. When I was little, I used to lay in bed at night, so afraid I would be left behind. That my family would be taken up with Jesus and I would be left here without them. I used to crawl in bed at night with my parents or my brother, Tommy, just so I would know they were still there beside me. In this dream I recently had, I was pleading with a girl, whom I did not know, to accept Jesus into her life as her Savior while there was still time to decide. She seemed unconvinced, and it broke my heart. I tried to tell her how much Jesus loves her and how He is just waiting to celebrate when she finally came to Him. We went our separate ways, and shortly after I felt what I usually feel in these dreams. I was once in a glass elevator, I think at an Indian's game, in which you could see out as you were going up and down. For some reason, being able to see the ground outside as you ascended made my stomach flip and jump more so than when in a typical elevator. In my dreams, this is the feeling I get. The actual feeling of being lifted off my feet and up to meet Jesus when He returns. And there is such joy in my heart knowing I made it... I was going to see Jesus face to face. When I got to Heaven in this dream, one of the first people to approach me was that girl I had pleaded with not long ago. She was so incredibly excited and I had to admit that I was surprised to see her there. Fortunately, she made the decision to not put it off any longer... to ask Jesus to forgive her and to follow His lead. And for that decision, she had also made it. As I walked around Heaven, I was looking for my brother, Jeff. Aside from seeing Jesus, Jeff is the next one I want to see when I get there. I came to this room that had two twin beds in it with really pretty comforters on each of them. The one furthest from the door obviously had someone in it, so I stood there quietly. Their head was covered and they looked so comfortable and snuggled in those blankets that I did not want to wake them. Almost instantly, as if he knew it was me, Jeff got out of that bed and ran over to me. He was so excited to see me there and could not wait to show me around.

I am not sure if I have ever shared what I am about to on this site before. When I was young, early in my teens, I had a dream that Jeff died. It was the worst dream I have ever had, even to this day. He did not look sick in my dream and I am not sure if the dream revealed what he died from. All I knew was he was gone and the pain I felt was horrible. It was one of the few times I awoke from a dream sobbing into my pillow. It was awful. I have never had a dream like this to this day. When September 30, 2006 came, I almost instantly remembered this dream I had maybe 14 years earlier. Could it be that I would have to experience that pain for real? Even now as I write, my heart hurts so much. As hard as it was in that dream, it was nothing compared to how I felt on that day in September. If I let myself go back to that day, I can honestly say the pain is just as great now as it was then. I envision Jeff experiencing that "lift off" feeling for real, and how happy his heart must have been to know he had made it. He won. That is the difference between my dream and real life. My dream ended before I realized the hope. In real life, I know the day is coming when we will have an amazing reunion. It's not just something I talk about over and over. It will become a reality.

And so part of that dream I had a few weeks ago still lingers. I think of that girl often. That girl I pleaded with. I had a conversation not too long ago with someone whose family had been affected by cancer, and the outcome was not as they hoped. They did not receive a healing here. She told me that she is not sure how I have the confidence of knowing I will reside in Heaven one day. I asked her how she thought she might get to that point in her own life. She wasn't sure. I asked her if she believes in God. She said she does. I asked her why. She said she knows there is something out there greater than us, and that is the reason she wakes up everyday. Something is in control of things. I told her that to believe in God does in fact take faith, whether you realize it or not. None of us have ever physically seen God face to face.. we have only seen evidences of His existence. The same is true for Jesus Christ. I have never seen Him physically, only evidences of Him. But those evidences are so indescribable and undeniable. I experienced a physical touch during an intense prayer time for healing. Something that made me unable to move. And in that instant, my pain I had disappeared. My scans showed that what once was, was there no more. She then asked me why God would give me cancer. This is something that makes me so sad. I do not believe with any part of me that God gives out diseases. Someone once said that if we are God's children, and He intentionally gave us these afflictions, it would be child abuse! I believe that God does not cause these things, but does sometimes allow them. He can make good of anything. Where would I be now if I had turned my back on God? Sure, you do question how your situation fits in, and why me? But for me, to know that God knows me better than anyone, even myself, and He has the confidence in me that I can handle this... well, I think it makes you walk a little taller. I have been called to a specific purpose, we all have. It makes me happy to be a part of the plan. And anything that I have to sacrifice here on this earth as a result, well.. I know it will be made up to me on that day that I feel the "lift off" and meet Jesus face to face.

Some could then question, if God healed me on that day, why have I still had to endure chemotherapy sessions one after another? I have learned that we cannot put a box around God. He allows all kinds of things that we may never get to understand in this lifetime. How much do we really know about God? Do we get too caught up in things that really don't matter? I feel God's love everyday, and I know He is on my side. I have asked for forgiveness for my sins, and continue to have to confess things to Him daily. My insecurities. My fears. My heartache. But also my love. My love and my hope. And that makes the difference.

As far as my health goes, I am doing good. Mike and I have both struggled to fully get over the affects of the flu and colds. Just as I was feeling better, I started to get a cold again, which I currently have. I had to go see my brother in law again yesterday (he's a podiatrist) to have my feet looked at. It seemed like all of a sudden my feet inflamed and were really painful. I was, however, able to start a new aquatic aerobics class last week. I love these classes and I am so thankful to feel well enough to get out and do these things. If you looked at me, you would not know all that I have gone through in the last 4 years. I like it that way. God has been so good. I have scans scheduled for November 16. I will then see my doctor on November 17 before my mom and I drive home. Please pray for this day. I am just waiting for great results. Whether it is this time or not, it won't change the fact that God is in control and I fully trust Him.

Click here to listen to What do I know of Holy by Addison Road. I just heard this for the first time today and I think the words are great.

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