November 9, 2007

Use the control to listen to There is a Reason by Caedmon's Call

I spent some time cleaning my house over the last couple of days. We have only lived in this house for three years, but it is amazing the amount of things you can accumulate in a short time. Being at home more now makes me notice things I never had time to notice before, not to mention just getting a bit bored sometimes. I notice when I clean, it usually takes me longer because I spend time looking through everything, and thinking back to where I was when I got it, and any other stories that go along with it. I have lots of pictures. It is fun to look back, but also quite sad to see pictures of my family from years ago. There we are with smiles that are not masking anything.... there is no fear behind them. There is not really more to the story... we were as we appeared... that of a carefree and complete family. Of course, no matter how blessed our lives are, it seems we are continuously letting ourselves be burdened by something. You know how it is. We know we shouldn't worry, but it is our nature to do so. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a mom when I got older. That is what my mom did... she stayed home with us. It was just natural for me to want to follow after her. I got married, and we were not in any hurry to start a family, but I think we always knew we eventually would.  It is hard to think now that I have had doctors tell me recently that I will never be able to bear my own children. That to do so would hasten my disease because of the hormones.  I think that in the beginning of our marriage, Mike and I would look at each other in our apartment and think, "I can't believe we are allowed to be here on our own!" We are just big kids. I never would have believed that in the next 4 years, I would battle cancer twice and lose my oldest brother to the disease. Sometimes it is so hard to see pictures of Mike and I, and then see myself in the mirror now. It gets a bit harder mentally once you lose your hair, because it is an outward sign of what is going on inside. I am saying all of this because I wanted to share a verse I read. Ecclesiates 7:10 Do not say "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions. This verse really resounds within me. As hard as times are, it would be foolish of me to want to go back in time. That would mean I am trusting my own will over God's will for me. Despite the rough water, I can always see God's hand. Where the path is broken, He will make a bridge. Where the rain comes down so hard, He will provide cover. Sometimes rainy days can be crummy and gloomy. But He uses that rain to nourish the earth. I believe in some small way, He will take my tears and let them help someone else. I am standing on God's word. He makes all things good.  

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