November 22, 2007
I have never considered myself to be an overly emotional person. I guess that definition would vary depending on who you ask, but I have always thought that growing up with brothers has made me a tougher person. I have many memories of getting teased by my brothers for crying when they thought it was funny. They weren't being mean... just being brothers. I think that the last few years have made me more emotional, and I have realized that crying doesn't show weakness... sometimes we just have to. On our last trip to CTCA, we had not gotten very far when I just started to cry. I try so hard to stay positive and keep a good attitude, but I am also tired. Knowing that trip to Illinois for a couple of days leaves me sick for longer is not a fun thing to anticipate. God knows my heart and He knows my prayers for healing. But ultimately, I told Him a long time ago that I wanted to be used however He wanted. I would rather suffer for His cause than go through life without sharing the joy that is in my heart, regardless of circumstance. I told my mom I did not know why I was crying at that particular moment, but that I just was. She turned the radio up a bit and I wanted to post the lyrics to the song that was playing. I had never heard it before that day.
Life Is Hard (God Is Good)
by Pam Thum
You turn the key Then close the door behind you Drop your bags on the floor You reach for the light But there's darkness deep inside And you can't take it anymore 'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you And sometimes living is all you can do Life is hard, the world is cold We're barely young and then we're old But every falling tear is always understood Yes, life is hard, but God is good You start to cry 'Cause you've been strong for so long And that's not how you feel You try to pray But there's nothing left to say So you just quietly kneel In the silence of all that you face God will give you His mercy and grace Jesus never said It was an easy road to travel He only said that you would never be alone So when your last thread of hope Begins to come unraveled Don't give up, He walks beside you On this journey home and He knows Life is hard, the world is cold We're barely young and then we're old But every falling tear is always understood Yes, life is hard, but God is good
I don't find it coincidence that this is the song that was on at that particular moment. God has always been able to reach me through music. Sometimes I just cry out to Him and ask what else I need to do to receive His healing touch. Has He already healed me? I want to be patient, and I want to be strong. My heart is not unsettled so I suppose that is a healing in itself. If I go through all of this, and He still calls me Home, I know that I won't be upset! But I would also love to continue living here with my husband and my family. I have been so blessed to have such a close family and I would love to experience it for a while longer.
Mike and I watched the movie Evan Almighty last night. It was actually a very cute movie... funnier than I thought it would be. I think when our hearts are open to it, God can use just about anything to speak to us. There was a portion of the movie that really stuck with me. It was stated that when we ask God for patience, does He grant us patience, or the ability to be patient? And when we ask for courage, does He give us courage, or the opportunity to be courageous? When we ask for a closer family, maybe it is that He gives us reasons to love each other more. This really resonated within me. As I said, I think God can use unlimited avenues to speak to us. I was not expecting it from a movie, but I am thankful for it nonetheless.
I hope that Thanksgiving was a great day for everyone. I have not been able to be up at all since I got home from Illinois, and I was still feeling under the weather this morning. Determined, Mike and I went to his parents in the morning and had a nice time with them. Mike's sister and her husband and son live in Alaska, so we will not get to see them until January. We spent the rest of the afternoon at my mom and dad's. I felt very blessed to have my family there and I will never take that for granted. There were many times today that I whispered the song "Let the weak say I am strong because of what the Lord has done for us' " I guess at the end of the day, life is hard, but God is good.
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