December 10, 2007

I started to reread some past entries again tonight. Sometimes when I need encouragement, it helps me to see what God was doing in my life on a particular day or month. I came across my December 28, 2006 entry. In it, there is a picture of Mike and I at Christmas 2005 and one of 2006. I sat here looking at those pictures and thought, gosh... here I am again looking like I did in 2005 for another Christmas. I never would have believed it. But as I thought about it, I realized I am a much different person than I was even two years ago. God used my sickness for good in my life, and I will always be thankful for that. I used to dream about my brother, Jeff, at least once a week after he passed away. In March of this year, I had a dream that God had healed Jeff, even 6 months after he had passed away. He and Gwen were at my parents house sitting on a couch they owned a few years ago. We could not believe that God would give him back to us. He looked as he did before he got sick, and I wanted to take a picture of him to prove to people that he was back with us. Every time I held up the camera and looked through the lens, he looked like he did at Hospice. I would put the camera down, and he looked healthy again, I would look through the camera, and he would look sick.

I spent the afternoon today with my nieces, Olivia and Emily. Emily will be a year old on Saturday... I can't believe how fast the year went. She took a few months to warm up to me, and now she loves to sit with me and give me hugs. When it came time for Olivia's nap, she wanted to take one with me on the couch. So I held her until she fell asleep, and I thanked God for putting such special kids in my life. You know, Emily does not like it when I wear hats. I worried that she would be afraid of me when I lost my hair, seeing as how she was just starting to warm up to me. But wouldn't you know it... she likes me better with a bald head! This reminded me in a small way of that dream I had months ago.... those kids see me as I really am. I know that they are young, but they do not see me as someone who is sick. When I am with them, for a little while I am able to escape the reality that I am in. It makes me believe that when God sees me, He sees me, not through the tiny lens that is this life, but as the bigger picture. To Him, I am healthy and strong.

As I drove home tonight, I really thanked God for blessing my life. I have a wonderful family and so many people that care about us. I have felt pretty good this week... especially compared to all of the other weeks post chemotherapy. I did not get sick at all this week... not to say I wasn't close a few times. But overall, I felt good. I have to go once a week locally to have my blood drawn and they fax the results to CTCA. I went this morning, and when I got home this evening, I had a call from my nurse saying that my white blood cell count is really low. It is at a .5 and I was told that normal is between 4.0 and 9.0. I am supposed to follow up with them in the morning to see what I should do, but in the meantime I have to be careful being around people because my immune system is not good. Honestly, I was not surprised to get this kind of news after having such a good day and week. I know that satan is working all the time to try and discourage me. Please pray that God would multiply my counts so they are at a safer level. I want to try and keep my treatments on schedule as much as possible, and if my counts don't go up, I will not be able to go back on time.

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